Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Tuesday Newsday #2

For Tuesday September 12th, according to SpeakEasy!

1. Goalie DiPietro gets 15-year deal with Islanders - my thoughts??? What the Fuck?????
This is a 15 year guaranteed contact regardless of whether he is playing, or dead. This contract could sink the entire Islanders organization. It is as dumb as the $10 million they gave to Alexi Yashin. He has been floating ever since signing that one. I believe they call him the enigmatic one.

But, WOW, let's hope for the Islanders sake, that he doesn't get hurt and that he doesn't decide that since he's set for life, that he doesn't stop giving 100% effort in every game - unless it's against the Leafs. Then he can suck!

2. Britney Spears - This terrible role model and white-trash wannabe was supposedly going to be having the baby very soon and it is going to be a girl.
On Wednesday she had a boy. Sigh. Kids having kids. How is she going to drive with 2 kids on her lap?

3. Michael Schumacher - Formula One race car driver, and multiple time champion and bad boy, says he'll retire at the end of the Formula One season. I guess driving a car at fast speeds in circles over and over again is a "sport" and apparently one that he was good at, although he has been called the most unsportmanlike driver in history of F1.

4. Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin and the murderer stingray - Conservationists in Australia believe fans of late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin have embarked on a revenge campaign against the stingray that killed him. Clearly these weirdos were able to locate the correct stingray and after trying to get it to explain why is did such an evil (yet natural) thing and after a tough talking to, they have set out and decided to seek revenge. Guys... It's not going to bring him back!!! If you want revenge, start eating them and make them extinct. No?

5. Toronto Stabbing - The two Swiss nationals and a German man found stabbed to death in the bloodsoaked 19th floor of a downtown hotel were traveling and staying together, Toronto Police said yesterday. Rumours at this time seem to indicate that a murder-suicide might have occurred and that they were all staying together in the same room. Hmmmm.

6. West Nile - A man in his 90s from Downstate Sangamon County has died from West Nile virus, marking the fifth fatal human case of the disease in the state this year. What a great Al Queda plot... The Nile is in Egypt. Egypt is in the Middle East. Iraq is in the Middle East. Iraq has those evil Al Queda people killing everyone they can find. Therefore... (boy my math professor would be proud of this proof) Al Queda are the reason that this 90 year old man died from a mosquito bite.
Can you say lawsuit?!?

7. Hamas and Fatah - Are set to form a coalition government and recognize Israel's existence. I mean really, guys... No coalition needed... Just look at a fucking map. They are there. Saw it with my own eyes.

But really... It's time to get their acts together, recognize each other, give a hug and fucking get along already! No more bombs, no more suicide bombings. Stop playing like children, and start being accountable for your own actions. Grow up and help your community to thrive.

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