Wednesday, September 06, 2006

A dilemma

A "good" friend of mine called me last night to let me know that him and his wife had a baby. In his voicemail message he left for me, he indicated that they had the baby and he wanted to call to "catch up". I wondered, seeing as they had a boy, if there was a bris (Jewish ritual circumcision ceremony) and asked him about it when I called him back. He was very casual about it and said something to the effect of, "sure, come to it. It's Friday morning at 8am". I really didn't get that warm, fuzzy feeling that I was invited, but rather that I had invited myself, wife and son, and he wasn't going to say no.

Granted, they did just have a baby 5 days ago. I remember those days. No sleep, mass confusion, denial, etc. Am I reading too much into it?

A little background. I met this guy and his wife in our marriage class back in 2001. There were 5 couple and we all made plans to go out and keep in touch. This couple in particular seemed to be the most interesting as his wife had an interest in hockey (I play), and he loves Chemistry and Physics and all that stuff that the UrbanMummy teaches so well. Added to that, was the fact that they lived in the townhouses right behind the condo complex we lived in.

From what I understood of this group dynamic, there were 3 couples who all moved up north from the city, and were all quite younger than the other couples, and they all REALLY wanted to get working on those kiddies. It just didn't seem like we had a whole lot to talk about. Our neighbour and his wife also found the dynamic to be off, and came to the conclusion that hanging out with us would be preferable since we live right near them, share interests, and are of the same age.

The marriage group continued to meet, but we no longer got invited (I think we backed out of a few of them and something was said) but my neighbour kept going to his wife's dismay. He's a pleaser.

Then, the bunch of them joined my hockey team, and gave it a whirl, only my neighbour plays on it to this day. It was (until I got injured) the only time we'd see each other.

This is where it was weird...

I used to pick him up on my way to the rink, and sometimes he'd be playing poker with his "buddies" or having a BBQ, or something like that, but never included me. He would sit in my car on his cell phone making plans with his buddies, but never include me. He would even look for a 5th for their poker game, wondering out loud where they could find someone to play, but never asked me. I started asking him to not coordinate his life in the few minutes we got to chat before games and he graciously agreed. Before the game, during and after it we hung out, chatted, and had fun. He's a cool guy. We have stuff in common.

When we moved from the condo 3 blocks east to a house we invited them over, and they came. The invite to their place??? Came much later and only once. For as much as they told us how they like to hang out with us, it was difficult to explain why there was zero effort on their part. We've been in our new house for 8 months, and while we have discussed getting together, it has not happened. They actually put their townhouse up for sale and moved... How did I find out? I walk by it to go and come from the subway. Just down the street from the Cheaty Monkey's abode. While they have not yet moved into their new house (renovations), my "friend" said last night that once they move in, we are "for sure" going to get invited over.

I'm not holding my breath.

I do know when I'm healthy enough to play hockey again, I'll play on his (my) team,and it'll be like nothing even happened. But am I over-reacting about the bris?

Should we go?



Angela said...

Are there usually formal invitations to a bris? I think if he didn't have the courtesy to call and invite you and UrbanMummy, then screw it.

I really don't understand why people think friendship is such an easy thing to throw away or pass up. In a shitty world like ours, isn't building a circle of friends important anymore?? It takes time to build friendship, but it sounds like dude isn't even trying.

I realize that your writing may be in the "heat of the moment", and that your opinions may be one sided. But really, if he or they were really your friends, you wouldn't be questioning this at all or be made to feel like outsiders, right?

penelopeto said...

Not a friend.
Don't go to the bris (it's not like you'll be missing much), but send a card or gift because it ain't the baby's fault.
Then get healthy and kick his ass on the ice. Oh wait, he's on your team... get healthy and kick his ass on the ice by accident.

Naomi (Urban Mummy) said...

I would say go if they were actually friends. They came to our son's bris, then for dinner the following day, and that's the last I've seen them. That was 20 months ago.

Surely, if they really were our friends, in all that time they could have found time to get together? I mean, it's been 5 years that they've been saying "we should get together"

Personally, I'd send a gift and forget about it.

SpeakEasy said...

Quick update:

I didn't go, and eventhough I've spoken to this "friend" a few times since for hockey related discussions, he has never mentioned that I was not there.

I actually feel better having not gone, than if I had gone and then was disappointed by not seeing this guy again for long periods of time.